The Chancellor

I exist in an ambiguous space and time
Where the city is turning mad
With evildoings and violence taking its toll
Often I wish I was far away
In the sounds of silence
Nothing but peace at the border of the town
Maybe in the woods, perhaps the hills
Where I don't feel that I should change my name
My address and identity in the hope of finding freedom
Where I don't have to live in the shadow of fear
A certain power that will always hunt me down

I am consumed by my pursuit to survive where I am
My desire is to come out of the clutches of somewhat a tormenting other half
Often they say that sometimes it takes the darkest hour of our life
The fear of death, to regain our consciousness back into life
I am not just one person
I am that two lives
The completely symbiotic nature of a couple
Constantly in our darkest hour
Going against each other
Like a relationship that has already fallen apart
That is moving fast towards its end

"But do not lose hope", they say
As I wander on empty streets every passing night
As I lose myself to my relentless angst towards somewhat an unyielding life
"Your life is an anthology. Your chapter is not done yet."
I answered them, "but it is not and never was mine to write.
I am never my own person.
I am a puppet.
My life began with an incessant harassment by that I should never mention.
I was pushed to a corner, to take the extreme step.
I never meant to end a life.
I never wanted to take a life.
All I wanted was freedom.

And come 1945."

-PRK-

Dear First Boyfriend

At 22 I asked myself if you were right for me
If we were ever going to be that kind of couple who sleeps on a bedsheet made of silk
If we were ever going to actually be compatible for each other
I loved you; I did so very deeply
You I thought, were my life but I felt a certain distance not too long after
At 16 I thought it was too soon to say anything
And you were living your life, working hard for your future
Me I thought, would just be a distraction
But I fell in love with you at 14
Soon after the day when I saw you from the living room window
And I invited you in
Never did I thought that you'd be the one I fell so deep for
I had dreams, I had hopes, I had plans
I wanted to travel the world with you
But I wasn't comfortable holding your hand
I wanted to kiss you at the park in the day
But I couldn't share with you my darkest secret
I wanted to be around your family and friends
But I could sense insincerity
The kind of energy that does not allow me to be me
It wasn't your fault and it's too cliché to say I'm the problem
But the universe kept dropping hints
Giving signs that I needed to let you go
And you, at that point really wanted to leave
At 26 I understood what it was
And that, I will keep to myself until the day I see you again
To tell you how I really feel

-PRK-

To Whom It May Concern

I never thought I'd met you
You used to be a dream - a permanent presence in my sleep
I used to imagine and wish that I'd meet someone like you - in person
Interestingly enough, under a bridge - you fishing, me writing a poem
I'd imagine that we'd started talking first about your fishing hobby
Then about your political stands and yellow boots
In my dreams, I enjoyed listening to your stories
And about that big fish you caught the day before we met
In my dreams, you're 10 years older than me and divorced
You'd have this FM radio hooked to your belt, you'd be listening to old songs
Your favorite rock band is the Scorpions
Our favorite song is "You and I"
You had a son who's my age - a son out of wedlock

And he died in a car accident on his 10th birthday 

The cause of death - you drove under the influence of alcohol 
And you refused to talk about your wife
You said she was beautiful and that you'd never fall in love again
But I met you almost a year ago
In a different form, different face but the same voice
Same demeanor, outlook in life but we never talked about fishing
Your theory of everything is thought-provoking
Your thoughts in everything is always intriguing
Our frank and open deep conversations give me a new breath of life
My coffee tastes different, my cigarette breaks are more meaningful
You keep me thinking all the time
About everything - so deeply, so intensely 
I was lost - thank God for the patience and here we are 
Having more conversations
Deep conversations - about death, love, hope, dreams, relationships, sex and suicidal thoughts
About people, exes, family, and deep darkest secrets
You said to me today;
"Love is lying to the police if your wife killed someone."
"Love is like marriage factor. It's "I'll die for you" level."
"Love is like your mom, she'll always love your dad but I doubt she's still IN LOVE with him after all his cheating and other bullshit."
"Love is "I'll forgive you for having a baby with your mistress if stop all of it for me"."
Everything you say affects me
Everything you make me tell you changes my many perspectives in life
And this time, you're real - a solid presence in my everyday life
How's my American spelling in this random poem, I'd like to know

-PRK-