Come Second

Once a priority, the next, a reserve
Merely an escape
A fling that's conserved
And my soul was relinquished
To one that don't deserve
The passion so wide
Yet the devotion took a swerve
So I followed the curved line
Led me back to the unknown
My emotions were swirled
As if I was stoned
I felt myself falling, drifting away, alone
Slowly escalating, until I know I was gone
Then I questioned myself
I questioned my faith
Will I last through any weather
Will I survive the interfaith
I've gone through the fifth
Will I make it to the eighth
Or will this forever be my wraith?

-PRK-

The Chancellor

I exist in an ambiguous space and time
Where the city is turning mad
With evildoings and violence taking its toll
Often I wish I was far away
In the sounds of silence
Nothing but peace at the border of the town
Maybe in the woods, perhaps the hills
Where I don't feel that I should change my name
My address and identity in the hope of finding freedom
Where I don't have to live in the shadow of fear
A certain power that will always hunt me down

I am consumed by my pursuit to survive where I am
My desire is to come out of the clutches of somewhat a tormenting other half
Often they say that sometimes it takes the darkest hour of our life
The fear of death, to regain our consciousness back into life
I am not just one person
I am that two lives
The completely symbiotic nature of a couple
Constantly in our darkest hour
Going against each other
Like a relationship that has already fallen apart
That is moving fast towards its end

"But do not lose hope", they say
As I wander on empty streets every passing night
As I lose myself to my relentless angst towards somewhat an unyielding life
"Your life is an anthology. Your chapter is not done yet."
I answered them, "but it is not and never was mine to write.
I am never my own person.
I am a puppet.
My life began with an incessant harassment by that I should never mention.
I was pushed to a corner, to take the extreme step.
I never meant to end a life.
I never wanted to take a life.
All I wanted was freedom.

And come 1945."

-PRK-

Dear First Boyfriend

At 22 I asked myself if you were right for me
If we were ever going to be that kind of couple who sleeps on a bedsheet made of silk
If we were ever going to actually be compatible for each other
I loved you; I did so very deeply
You I thought, were my life but I felt a certain distance not too long after
At 16 I thought it was too soon to say anything
And you were living your life, working hard for your future
Me I thought, would just be a distraction
But I fell in love with you at 14
Soon after the day when I saw you from the living room window
And I invited you in
Never did I thought that you'd be the one I fell so deep for
I had dreams, I had hopes, I had plans
I wanted to travel the world with you
But I wasn't comfortable holding your hand
I wanted to kiss you at the park in the day
But I couldn't share with you my darkest secret
I wanted to be around your family and friends
But I could sense insincerity
The kind of energy that does not allow me to be me
It wasn't your fault and it's too cliché to say I'm the problem
But the universe kept dropping hints
Giving signs that I needed to let you go
And you, at that point really wanted to leave
At 26 I understood what it was
And that, I will keep to myself until the day I see you again
To tell you how I really feel

-PRK-

That Losing End

You assumed you knew me
And you stereotyped me
Not realising you're stereotypical
That you're just another one
Who's afraid to take up a challenge
And unfortunately, born with inferiority complex
I thought you'd be the one
But you've decided that I'm not your match
And you missed the simplicity in me
Blinded by what you want to see
And what they made you see
You didn't want to tolerate your time and circumstances
You didn't give it a chance to nurture
You worry too much about the needs and demands
But it's your lost
I could have made you happy
Be the one you'd love the most

-PRK-

Flake Off, Quagmire

Needles pierced through my skin 

Attached to the machine

Entering the layers perhaps 1/16" of an inch

At approximately 10-15 needle drops per second

Fast enough to avoid puncturing my skin 

And causing bleeding 

And yet slow enough to avoid tearing it

It bled and wept a little

But it was a uniquely personal experience

They often ask if it's sore; if the pain is unspeakable 

That somehow got me thinking once - no, a few times

That if I'd cut myself, will I bleed black?

Like the ink used for my tattoos

But I don't blame them for asking such a question 

Fooled by horror stories, they're bound to think that it's excruciating 

Often I'd like to tell them that my body can take almost anything 

A cut, a burn, 10 tattoos, and counting 

My body can withstand different amounts of pain

No need for drugs that can thin the blood

No need for skin-numbing creams

Because it is in the mind that I control the sensation 

It is my mental strength that I can always hinge upon

But no matter how strong my mind is

Sometimes my heart fails 

Every time it got fooled, played and hurt

Only time can tell how long I'd have to heal the pain

Unlike the healing process of my tattoos  

It was never quite manageable

An open wound still

I don't know how a healed heart feels like

But... Flake off, Quagmire

-PRK-

You, Among Millions

When you walked away,
My world fell apart
I saw smoke, shattering walls
And I tried to understand the screaming terror
The screaming inside of me that went louder continously
And I looked at the wall
Looked outside my bedroom window
Looked to my left, my right
The ceiling
The fan was spinning fast
But really, I was staring at nothing

I was looking for answers
Longed hard for explanations
But the more I dwell, the deeper I dig
The closer I got to the prickly coldness of fear
And inexplicable terror
Just stabbing into my flesh,
Cramping my stomach

And I prayed, I tried to pray
But I couldn't utter my words
I couldn't gather my strength
I couldn't for one minute, separate myself from the darkness
My heart, my mind, my soul
My body, but all of me was not there
I lost my senses
And I fell asleep

Why you, among millions?

-PRK-

One-way Street

If love is so strong and pure,
It can overcome all barriers
That's what they say all the time
And that's the kind of love I long for
But you don't love me the way you should
You couldn't and you struggled
And we both misunderstood loneliness
And loss of love
And lust
And accustomed to lost hopes
And coinciding dreams
Dubious dreams
Dreams where you'd see me
As I disappear into the gleams of white
In a dark interior
In the curve of your lordliness
Arrogance and ego
In the prickly coldness at night
When you long for my warmth
And my touch
My whispers in your ears
Before allies, us, we, turned into enemies

-PRK-

Unspoken

Stuck between my heart and the world, I decided to keep it mum
Locked it in a box and threw away the key
Deep into the sea, it sunk
It never did surface but I believed everything else would suffice
I made myself believe that it would..
Did it?
It was never spoken of
Unlike the river, it never flowed
Unlike the lava, it froze
Unlike time, it stopped
Yet it survived the sandstorms, the heat, the cold
And it never died
But like a cancer, it slowly killed me
Slowly took over my life
The life I prayed never to ever live again in the lives to come
As the world wanted it unspoken
Though the universe wanted the heart to live, scream and shout
Keep beating and never freeze
But it remained unspoken

-PRK-

Disarray

Don't give me hope
If that's all you can give me
Because I can't bear the pain anymore
I can't get hurt like this anymore
Tears on my sleepless nights
And when I do fall asleep, you appear in my dreams
And I just woke up from a weird one
One I can't explain
But something is wrong
It was incomplete
The dream just ended
And it woke me up from my sleep

-PRK-