Dear First Boyfriend

At 22 I asked myself if you were right for me
If we were ever going to be that kind of couple who sleeps on a bedsheet made of silk
If we were ever going to actually be compatible for each other
I loved you; I did so very deeply
You I thought, were my life but I felt a certain distance not too long after
At 16 I thought it was too soon to say anything
And you were living your life, working hard for your future
Me I thought, would just be a distraction
But I fell in love with you at 14
Soon after the day when I saw you from the living room window
And I invited you in
Never did I thought that you'd be the one I fell so deep for
I had dreams, I had hopes, I had plans
I wanted to travel the world with you
But I wasn't comfortable holding your hand
I wanted to kiss you at the park in the day
But I couldn't share with you my darkest secret
I wanted to be around your family and friends
But I could sense insincerity
The kind of energy that does not allow me to be me
It wasn't your fault and it's too cliché to say I'm the problem
But the universe kept dropping hints
Giving signs that I needed to let you go
And you, at that point really wanted to leave
At 26 I understood what it was
And that, I will keep to myself until the day I see you again
To tell you how I really feel

-PRK-

Weltschmerz

I've had my chapters before I met you
Chapters that were passionate in the beginning that ended with
"You love me until you don't."

One chapter died without closure; as if I was left at the altar
Years spent trying to understand the holy mess
Years wasted trying to weave and mend what's broken
Only to uncover later it never really matters
I was in agony

Chapter two then began just as hope was about to cease
But abruptly it ended with
"You're not very Christian for me."
Frankly I find that pathetic; it wasn't worth my tears
Though I went to bed after a few bottles of beer
I was in agony

Chapter three isn't worth mentioning
Pure lust on one end and it ended slowly with treachery
Then a 'modern romance' sparked
Lecherous, hostile, revolting, revengeful; I hated everything
I was in agony

The fourth chapter... It was a soap opera
The kisses scorched me
My body trembled every time he pulls me closer
Two hearts together, and I thought
"This probably is the beginning of my last chapter."
I was wrong and I thought
"Forever is over."
Again.. I was in agony

And here is a new chapter... Are we writing it together?
Or will I be the one pulling it together?
Once again be in agony?

-PRK-

You, Among Millions

When you walked away,
My world fell apart
I saw smoke, shattering walls
And I tried to understand the screaming terror
The screaming inside of me that went louder continously
And I looked at the wall
Looked outside my bedroom window
Looked to my left, my right
The ceiling
The fan was spinning fast
But really, I was staring at nothing

I was looking for answers
Longed hard for explanations
But the more I dwell, the deeper I dig
The closer I got to the prickly coldness of fear
And inexplicable terror
Just stabbing into my flesh,
Cramping my stomach

And I prayed, I tried to pray
But I couldn't utter my words
I couldn't gather my strength
I couldn't for one minute, separate myself from the darkness
My heart, my mind, my soul
My body, but all of me was not there
I lost my senses
And I fell asleep

Why you, among millions?

-PRK-

I'll Have You Know

There are nights that I wish I didn't miss you
And there'll be nights that I wish I didn't see you
Passing by the lot like I never really knew you
It isn't about the touch but the memories we made, boo
There were nights that I'd wait for your calls
And when the phone don't ring, I'd slowly drown in my squalls
Sometimes the awful silence seems louder than our brawls
But these are the nights that explains it all
With every note that changes in every song
And as the pages change too, everything seems wrong
Did we fall out of love, or has it been too long?
Has it been long enough to rewrite the song?
Now don't sweat it, hun, I've seen the real you
I guess you're dealing with a lot of things I went through
But I'm sure it's more than just a hairdo
More than just another weekend you have to get through
You could be right, but I don't take excuses
You're telling me that I'm losing all my focus
The fact of the matter is, you're losing your muses
I'll have you know what an actual truce is

-PRK-

Still In Agony

See, I've never meant to ever violate your words
But sometimes I go through my existence, harder than you thought
Got nobody to lean on, to count on to keep me bold
And there are moments in my life I almost vacate my hope
And I can never ever brain how you suck it through these years
How you obviously try to hold on, and the moments you've lived soaked in your tears
Never could I understand why you're still standing with those smears
Though at times you'd sounded like you're buckled up to switch your gears
But here's a question - have you ever thought of how I wish it has an end
How I wish that someday somehow, your happiness isn't condemned
That you're up for any challenges for yourself, don't need to bend
That maybe you'd be happier with your ideas, thoughts and no dent
Because it's draining me, side-splitting me as I try to live my life
Haunting me every moment as I try to really strive
A true standing pillar for the home, still trying to survive
And there are times I hated you for taking away my other life
I had to grow up, had to live up to some expectations and such
Had to crash and walk away from a different set of clutch
Guess you never really thought that it's been so hard on me
How I wish I didn't have to be part of my current agony
For it's making me despising too many things that seemed beautiful
And I've been living in monochrome, nothing was ever colourful
See I'm broken bad, bleeding inside, perhaps you'd even see my clot
If only you'd take your time to sit and read my stormy plot

-PRK-

I Like The Idea

I like the idea that we're different and how it is proven
I like the idea that we are improving and knowing that we're living
I like the idea that we have things that were worthless more than what's worth our while
I like the idea that we didn't second guess even for a while
I like the idea that I'm intimidating and you're intimidated
I like the idea that I wasn't wrong about what we leave unattended
I like the idea that you're happily married and that I am happier without it
I like the idea that you're making it and I've made it

-PRK-